Love & Marriage
Sayed Jawad Al-Qazwini
وَمِنْ ءَايَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجاً لّـِتَسْكُنُوا إِلَيْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَيْنَكُم مَوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لاَيَاتٍ لِقَوْمٍ يَتَفَكَّرُونَ
And of His signs is that He created spouses for you from yourselves, that you may find tranquillity in them, and He has set between you love and mercy; verily there are signs in this, for a people who reflect.
[Surah Ar-Rum 30; Verse 21]
A memorable chapter within any person’s life is during the engagement period, for it is a period which prepares the individual for a greater commitment. On the other hand, it can also be a manipulative period, due to the fact that whilst harmony and affection are evolving and blossoming, personal flaws are left uncovered.
It is unfortunate that many marriages today involve spouses genuinely disliking each other and no longer enjoying a sense of harmony. Another sad fact is the amount of broken families and divorce rates which exist in society. Marriage is suppose to be the most honorable and sacred union within Islam.
The Prophet (saws) said:
“The one who gets married has fulfilled half of their faith.”
“”The sleep of a married person is better with Allah than an unmarried one who fasts during the day and keeps vigil at night, establishing prayers.”
Imam Jaafar Al-Sadiq (as) said:
“Two rakats of prayers offered by a married person are better than seventy-two rakats offered by one without a spouse”.
The niyyah(intention) is the most essential part of any act of worship. And so, if marriage is deemed so grand in Islam that it fulfils half the faith, then it makes sense that it too requires an intention. To have a niyyah is to have a clear awareness of what and why you are doing what you intend to do. It is unfortunate that so many people enter into a marriage without having a clue as to what they are doing or getting in to. They do not fully comprehend the essence of marriage. This is what leads to divorce.
Scholars of human behaviour suggest that intimacy has five dimensions:
Intellectual intimacy – this relates to the communication and conversations between each other. How much do we converse, interact and engage?
Emotional intimacy – this relates to sharing emotions and feelings with each other so that we can better understand each other’s nature.
Spiritual intimacy – this relates to the engagement of religious acts and duties with each other, such as going to hajj together, or praying together.
Social intimacy – this relates to the social connections that we each maintain, making sure they do not impact the interaction with your own spouse.
Physical intimacy – (self-explanatory)-but still very important.
When Allah (swt) mentions in the beginning verse that He created you so that you may find tranquillity with one another, this includes every dimension of intimacy, for they are all imperative in fostering a harmonious relationship.
An issue that is common in relationships is when there are different perceptions of love between spouses. A man may perceive his work duties as being a reflection of love, whilst a woman may perceive her own duties as being a reflection of love, when in fact neither of the two view each other’s lifestyle as being a valid reflection of love. Therefore, there needs to be common ground between the two partners as to what they believe contributes love.
The different ‘love languages’ which shape a relationship:
Words of affirmation – we should consistently utter words of affirmation to each other to show our love and gratitude towards them. Look at how the Ahlulbayt (as) spoke to each other.
Spending quality time – some people are eager for you to spend ‘quality’ time and give attention to them.
Acts of service – some people are thankful when you take the time to perform an act of service for them, such as helping them with a task.
Receiving gifts – gifting people truly shows your appreciation and fondness of them.
Physical closeness - being physical affectionate with one other and not distancing yourself apart.
The same love languages mentioned above should also be applied with Allah (swt) as well. Our supplications, prayers, pilgrimage and our charity are all reflective of these different love languages.
To conclude, it is vital that we seek to develop ways to help invigorate ourselves to exhibit all of these lessons of love and apply them to both, the family and Allah (as), for a harmonious and tranquil life.